Getting closer

As the days of my departure encroached a week ago, I was excited by the thought of going home. Now as the days linger closer and closer, I am still excited about going home, but it's getting tougher to face the fact that I'm leaving. There are certainly facts I miss about America-- free refills at restaurants, exchanging "hellos" and smiles with people on the street, familiarity in general, and of course my family, friends and Nick. But there is something about Denmark that I know has changed me a little. It probably won't be noticeable to others, but I can feel it and I know it's there. Not to sound cliche, but Denmark has become a part of me. This is an experience I will never forget because it is absolutely unique and irreplaceable.

The past few days I've been filling to the brim with as much activity as possible. In a few sentence blurbs, I'll explain my last week's activities. On Thursday night I went to the ballet with a few friends. We saw "Sleeping Beauty." The music was of course wonderful and the performance. On Friday I went out again with a few friends. We cruised around Copenhagen, stopped in a few bars, and in general wandered around soaking up some of the last night life experiences. Saturday night again I went out, but for a more relaxed evening. The same group of us and some additions had a hygge night at a friend's apartment with wine, cheese, and good conversation. Sunday I spent the day with my host family at Irene's grandmother's house. There we ate traditional Christmas desserts and were given advent gifts. Monday and Tuesday I finished up my last academic papers and turned them in. Monday evening was the celebration of Saint Lucia (a catholic Saint who would feed the poor Catholics in the catacombs of Rome on the night of the 12th). In honor of the Saint, there are parades in the city where Danes dress up with candles on their heads (as Lucia did in order to free her hands to feed the poor) and march around singing Christmas hymns. The celebration is more a fun festive event rather than religious. It isn't an elaborate event either. The parade that I viewed with friends was near Nyhavn and involved a herd of kayakers paddling down the canals with decorative lights adorning their kayaks.

Today, Wednesday, was probably one of my best days in Denmark. In the morning a group of us gathered a friends apartment for a farewell brunch celebration. We successfully made a very American selection of food-- pancakes, scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, yogurt, apples, and chocolate cake. The meal was delicious-- it was nice to eat American food again (although it's unfortunate we didn't do it in the middle of the semester when we were all pining it). We sat around the table after and talked for awhile. As I said before, it's getting harder and harder to imagine leaving, especially the good friends I have made here. Later in the night, after I had come back from visiting Markus's boyscout troop with Carsten, I joined my friends again in Copenhagen. We lingered in a few cafes together and drank hot chocolate. It wasn't a fancy outing; more just an excuse to squeeze more time in together.

On the train ride home and then the walk to the house, I thought about how significant this experience has been in my life. It's hard to imagine going back to Philadelphia and I think it will take some adjustment. I've said it before but it really is true that this is an experience completely my own. I can blog about it and tell everyone what I did, but it's not the same as being there. It's something special to me and a time I will always hold close to my heart. It happened so quickly as well. And when I think about it, four months is an extremely small fraction of my life, but these months have been some of the most impacting on my life. I can already tell that I have changed my perspective on many subjects and life in general. It's nothing specific that Denmark has or DIS that has done this, it is more the independence and the growth I have gone through while being here. I don't feel as though I am a completely changed person, maybe modified slightly in a positive way.

I was listening to a Modest Mouse song as I sat on the nearly empty train and the lyrics fit very well:

It's hard to remember,
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember,
To live before you die
It's hard to remember,
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember,
When it takes such a long time

Although I am young and have many years to experience new and exciting things in the vast world, living in Denmark, traveling Europe, and meeting an eclectic group of people has made me feel as though I am truly living. I am taking advantage of every moment-- even in solitude. I may not always be doing something life changing; I may just be watching "Bones" on my laptop, but I am here. I did this, on my own. That in itself is exciting to me. It's getting more difficult to come to the realization that it's almost over and with every hour it's getting closer and closer. The next few days are going to a be whirlwind of sadness and happiness, of jamming in as much Danish culture, time with my host family, and saying goodbye to my friends (as well as last minute Christmas shopping).

Every day I fluctuate between being ecstatic to fly home and depressed to leave. I haven't cracked open my suitcase to start packing. I don't really want to because then I'll know that it's real-- that I'm leaving and I won't grapple with the back and forth anymore. In my eyes, it's better to have the conflicting feelings than not to because I won't be here to. If that makes sense. It does to me.